And maybe I'm dumb for making you smile...

Alright, so I know I've recently talked some pretty heavy shit on the gynecologist... it was a natural defense mechanism to an uncomfortable situation in my life. However, I'm reaping what I sew, getting what I deserved, feeling the karmic retributions and have been forced into submission to become a part of the opposing force: I have my community nursing clinical at an STD clinic. I now have insight to the other side and the grass is NOT greener. So, here it is...

The Gyno Reprise

First of all, I am not judging you... I am just sick of having your (in the general term) oozing, dripping, crusty, and/or blistered vagina/penis (again, in the general term) thrown into my tortured face fifty times a day. WEAR A GOD DAMN CONDOM. I don't care how good it feels without; the blisters are a brutal ache and the urethra burns like hell when your infected piss - if even able - flows from it. Not to mention, no guy or girl is going to want to fornicate with the green mucous flowing from every meatus or orifice in your bubbly, moldy/rotten cauliflower look-a-like, wart-ridden unmentionable area. A condom makes sex less appealing? Any sex (eeeek... well, most sex) is better than no sex.

Answer: I've never had an STD and I only have one partner. We try to stay pretty monogamous. She's popping one out in like, I don't know... soon?

Thought: Oh, really? Just one partner? Because these radioactive looking sores on your cock (that are about to bust in my face) are sure as shit pretty damn new. What is a man's definition of "monogamy", anyway?

Answer: Well, I've only had one partner... but he told me he just contracted chlamydia (cue immediate protrusion of tears that lead to a near syncopal episode related to hyperventilation).

Thought: Fuck, my condolences are so awkward. Should I open her a pack of tissues? Please, please don't pass out on my watch. Damn it, I'm the worst.

Answer: Um.. I don't know. Girl's like me love 'em and leave 'em. Plus, I ain't going to tell the boys nothin'. They'll get the disease they deserve.

Thought: YOU! You are the spawn of Satin spreading the putrid disease around the middle school! You are the devil reincarnate who is forcing young men into the clinic where they flap their immature peens covered in the disgusting God knows what in my face! You ...I hate you.

Thought: Eighty two? Really? EIGHTY TWO YEARS OLD? How? Why? What?!? Is there seriously an eighty two year old man at the STD clinic? This exam is going to be not only painful, but I am going to be traumatized for the rest of my life. Jesus, I hope he didn't take his Viagra today... I don't want anything to pop up while I fondle his sagging, yet shriveled, junk. Welp, here goes nothing.....

Thought: Seriously, the state needs to send more funding. We need eye protection here. I'm not about to laser off this dudes anal condylomata so that they can vaporize, rise to my nose/eyes, and infest the shit out of my innocent face. Waaaah.... Eff my life.

Thought: I'm not sure what your definition of "spread" is... but there is no way anyone or anything got through this clenched knee barricade causing the series of unfortunate events that brought you in here today. I don't want to be all up in that dark cave of unknown sights, smells, and sounds any more than you want to eat post-Indian food shit, but it's my job. So, please, work with me, woman!

Thought: What was I thinking when I signed up for this? I'm elbow deep in this girl's thighs and I just felt her chest for lumps. Ugh, boobs are so weird sometimes. I need to say something to distract myself from gagging at my current actions. What the hell do you say at a time like this?

The human instinct side of me kicked in every time a guy dropped his pants; my heart would flutter, my teeth would clinch to my curled lower lip, and my hands produced a minute amount perspiration. Then, I remembered that these weiners are sloppy seconds with herpes, warts, clap, chlamydia, and the likes clung to, stuck up in, and exploding out of it. In any other circumstance, I might have to attack a cute one by the end of the day... but these peens are world's biggest turn off. No wonder the gyno crews have downhill relationships since the nineties; their job is the most massive clock block EVER.

Moral of the story, kiddies: DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER... you never know what the inside pages will read. However, I'm still probably going to revert to my original gynecologist thoughts when I'm not on enemy turf.

Today's positives:

1. I passed my "Mid-Curricular Exam" for the nursing school. All this means is that I have a good chance of passing my nursing licensing exam after graduation. I suppose this is a good thing, seeing as how the past four years have not been a complete waste of countless hours and eight grand.

2. I fell in love with the beautiful barista boy at Kiva Han. We might get married... he just doesn't know it yet.

3. My period has arrived. In normal circumstances, this would be a bummer. But, after eight long days of it staking out and driving me quietly insane... its presence is graciously welcomed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T2NMuzpWi4&feature=related

Langhorne Slim - Worries